>>> Albonzo Cannonfists <<<
	Short stories by Eric Asura
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	Albonzo Cannonfists - in - Grocery Haul

	Hot summer day. Albonzo is bored to death. I CRAVE A TASTY TREAT, - he thinks - THEREFORE I MUST GO TO THE STORE. Albonzo put on a red shirt and a pair of googleygoobedygooky colored overalls and went out. As he walked down the stairs of this apartment building, he realized he left the kettle on. THE KETTLE IS A BUMBLING MORON'S MIRACLE GENERATOR, - he thought. He didn't like coming back without completing his objectives, so he went straight down and to the store.
	The store was called "Shpingle's Specials" and was frequented by people from all kinds of walks of life. Door hinge salesmen, car part wrecktionists, War Veterans who had never been to war, and worst of all, Mr.Cannonfists. Albonzo's peculiarity stood out to all of the abovementioned freak-citizens of Arkalade. His arms were actual arms. Arms as in arms dealer, and no, not the graveyard-digging corpse-ripping sort of arms dealer. They're not proverbial arms, biological-humanoid arms, no, straight up capital-G guns. Weapons of mass destruction. Albonzo's life was hell.
	How does one use a door without fingers? Could you insert a key into a lock and turn it a few times if your arms weren't arms and lacked fingers? Of course not. The locks on Albonzo's doors were specially manufactured to work with his condition. The doorknobs were the size of the circular openings at the end of his guns, the sort of openings bullets come from if you twiddle the banger around and happen to be unfortunate enough to be unaware of it's loaded nature. NEGLIGENT DISCHARGE! - Albonzo shouts as his senses fixate on the tainting of the air inside of the shop. Trying to figure out who was responsible, Albonzo got sidetracked and decided to follow a trail of dirt on the floor. HOGS! - he shouted. A group of hogs was wandering the store and tampering with the products on the shelves. Albonzo was fascinated.
	Anyways, the knobs on the doors fit into his gun-holes, and he could then rotate his arms a bit to turn them and lock the door in. When leaving, he'd place a shotgun trap inside with a similar mechanism, pointing it at the door. He could take some shells to the chest as his skin was stronger than normal, but any petty thief would be gibbed for good.
	Wondering whether he should pursue treats or hogs, Albonzo froze in place. The hogs were ramming their snouts into various things, knocking them down. That's when the manager came in and made some clicking sounds with his tongue. The hogs looked at him, then at each other, and then they all lined up nicely by the dairy aisle and began singing in unison. The manager was moving his hands haphazardly, changing the pitches of the voices of some of the hogs, as they somehow understood the movements as commands.
	The singing was atrocious. They were rehearsing short jingles for ads, repeating them over and over with slight variation, with some of the hogs doing the instrumentals while the rest covered the lyrical side of things. All the customers began to leave, even the deaf douche. Albonzo ca-chunked his right hand and blasted his head to kingdom come. It flew right off and landed in a customer's shopping cart. The manager took no notice of the bloodshed, but the hogs stopped, mortified.
	
	Albonzo Cannonfists - in - Physical Training
	
	Albonzo was forced to go to college after his boss discovered that he forged his diploma by aiming his guns at the diploma forger. He worked at the forklift sodomizing facility, and thus he felt it made no sense that the job required anything beyond brawn, let alone a college degree, which his boss referred to as a diploma. TARGET ACQUIRED - he shouted, as the forger cowered in fear. I'll do it just please please don't kill me, I have to go home and feed my mold rug! Please! He pissed his pants. NEGLIGENT DISCHARGE! - Albonzo chuckled. Anyways the forger was so scared he made some accidental mistakes and so the whole thing fell through. He was getting a degree in Computer, which was fitting, as he was close to being one thanks to the fusion of metal and flesh. However, only 10% of his classes were related to Computer. The rest included passover study, carpenter shagging theory, beetle hierarchyism and, finally, PE. And today, PE was taking place in a far away place that required a 30 minute bus trip. Or a 15 minute blast-propelling trick Albonzo could do with his hands. However, Albonzo felt particularly exhausted today, so he instead blasted his head to kingdom come, sending it straight to the PE place where it was used during soccer (the usual ball was erroneously used to heart-attack the elderly, so it was confiscated by the authorities. The teacher kept issuing commands like "KICK! WHACK! oooh you LADDIE! MORON!" but nobody actually played. The others looked at the head, mortified.
	
	Albonzo Cannonfists - in - ???