Good Times Don't Last
2026/03/31
There's nothing worse than being utterly helpless and useless. Knowing that your only true desire is to lay down and fall asleep forever. No ambitions, no joy, only endless copium pumped directly into the brain whenever the need arises, else you risk going off the deep end. But copium is not good. Too much of it keeps you in a state of permanent delusion, and though you're generally too distracted to see through it, occasionally you capture a small glimpse into what kind of life you are actually living, it overwhelms you, you ask "why the fuck?" but you know that this is how life is, and soon after you're back to living in delusion.
What's worse? Knowing that certain outcomes could have been avoided, and are the direct result of your own stupid decisions? Or, the realization that you've always been this way - your whole life is a mistake in and of itself, you couldn't help but be the person you are, which just happens to be a complete retard. I see others and get confused, sometimes jealous. How are they animated? How can they string their thoughts together so well? How do they act so human? What is this secret magic that makes them do things and succeed? How can even know what to do??? Little by little, by reflecting on old memories and analyzing the present, I realized that I have always been this way, as if some sort of divine spark exists in other people but not me, or perhaps it existed in me but was weak and faded away eventually.
Another thing becomes evident - you are (I am) kept alive by other people. You show some signs of life, imitate the activities that are asked of you (as little as you can, cause you're lazy and don't care). But also you find it all dreadful, and treat the dreadfulness with copium. What else is there to do? If it were up to me, I'd have laid down and gotten fossilized instead.
I remember the good times. When there was joy and desire, not just cope therapy consisting of things you've long stopped caring about. But all good things need to be preserved and maintained. When you yourself need to be maintained by someone else, which, moreover, you don't even appreciate so much, it's obvious that whatever you enjoy will soon fall into disrepair and either fade into obscurity or become part of a complex copium plan.
Time flies by like there's no tomorrow. Well, is there?
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