Action Report

2026/03/08


I've recently released a couple of important games, that being Johnny 99, Giga-Shah and Monster Truck In Heaven. These have plagued my mind for years - two of them date back to 2017 and another to 2019. At last, they're out, and I can free my mind from thinking about them forever. It's an odd feeling. Having done it so late, and after so many fuck ups, I really don't feel happy or satisfied with the accomplishment, yet at the same time, I sense relief every time I realize that they're out, forever!
So, what now?
I regret my weird campaign of combining smaller games from 2025 (and 2026, too. Rum 4/Norkaland 4 and Revenge Of The Pizza). I'd love to give these games their independence again - it's not that hard either. But god damn. It isn't the process itself. It's the weight of all my consequences, and the exhaustion of realizing "oh fuck, we're back there again". These things could have been done back in 2018. 2017. I'm near the 10 year anniversary of Alien Invasion, and still stuck deep in the mud with issues from back then. Fuck! FUCK!
But I cannot let go, I will not let go. I tried, I thought I did, but still, after all these years, game design is really the only thing I actually care about. Even if all the joy has been sucked out of it years ago by all the ludicrous mistakes, I simply cease to function when I'm not actively making stuff (stuff I wanted to make years ago). It's a choice between laying in bed all day, miserable but not engaged, or wasting away while making a game, engaged but exhausted. I wish I never made the mistakes I made. I wanna wake up in the past with my current knowledge. I would be so happy! But alas, I am stuck here.
We'll see how much I get to split up back into separate games again. I brought back Transfer Administrator and designated the 2021 version as a sequel. They are almost completely different games, after all. That, and making new stuff. I will need to push out a few more games before I can relax a little. The worst is over. Or so I say, only to realize that "the worst" applies to every thing I have worked on since the fall of Galaxa in 2018. The worst is never over, and my soul is forever trapped trying to make its way out of the conundrum it created for itself. Oh well. Expect more games soon!


ADDENDUM

I miss Galaxa. It was a great era, a very stressful one (funnily enough, partially, it was for the very same reason as now - I was trying to make up for the time I lost, in the most extreme way), but it also was incredibly productive. 4 games a month on average. Insane! And despite this, a lot of games accidentally turned out great. There was an almost religious feeling about the whole process, but I pushed myself too far and relied entirely on hoping that I wont glitch out and sabotage my life again. Worked for a while.. until it didn't. I'm still so obsessed. The religiousness of it all did me in back then too. God damn it all. If only I had more time.. I need more more more time! Then I could at least tidy up and bring my catalogue to the level I want it to be at... Then I would be 50% free. With all the games I ever wanted to make being out, I would be 100% free.
My biggest dream is to one day wake up in the past while retaining my knowledge from the present so I could change my life for the better. Looking back, I realize now that this fantasy started exactly around the time that my inability to solve problems had for the first time resulted in persistent issues that ended up nagging me non-stop. Though, of course, back then, things were rather smooth still, and I could have fixed things in no time. But that is the point. I couldn't have done it back then because A - I was retarded and B - I did not know how not to be that way. As of now, I am still retarded, but many of the odd behaviors from back then have been alleviated. I would not make the same mistakes ever again. I've been obsessed for years. As time went on, I became more confident that I could go further and further back to the past, extracting more value out of my power fantasy. At first, I merely wanted to smooth out the fuck ups that had just occured recently, after a while, I wanted to redo a year, then four years, eventually deciding that going back to 2013 would be a good choice - I could start making fun games right off the get go! Today, I am confident that the earliest I can go is September of 2011. I know exactly what I would do, what games I would make, what music I would listen to. Right now, I am living a fake version of my life - hollow and empty, dissociated and disconnected from reality as the only means of coping with my ludicrous decisions and mindset, mistakes. If I went back, I would be living another fake version of my life - devoid of the foolish mistakes, somewhat pre-planned, and just awesome. Perhaps, this is what prison planet is all about. You're imperfect and prone to suffering, but deep inside, there's always this glimmer of hope that makes you think you can do something about it, when in reality, you can't.

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